DAS Blog

In spite of what many lefties think, Jews used to be persecuted. Who knew?

Hanukkah commemorates the triumph of the Maccabees (not to be confused with the Macabres, which are Jews who read the New Yorker, especially Charles Addams cartoons) over the evil tyrant Antiochus Epinephres.

Antiochus sought to destroy the Jewish people by desecrating the Temple (which put a fatal strain on the building fund) and by forcing Jews to eat spit roasted whole pigs, which was horrible as all the Jewish people had to pretend they never ate pork before but were trying it for the first time. Eventually, the Maccabees rose up and, using tactics that pro-Israel apologists would, nowadays denounce as "terroristic" when today's Middle Eastern armed guerillas use them, defeated Antiochus and his armies.

What they found was a mess (and there was nothing in that building fund to pay for fixing it). In particular, there was only 1 jug of oil left with the high priest's seal that could be burnt in the menorah. But a miracle happened. We Jews, being a frugal bunch, used the remaining oil that was not left with the seal but with a bunch of shifty walruses (who assured us of the kashruth of the oil) to fry up all sorts of delicious food. Unfortunately, there was only a day's worth of heart-burn medication left. But by the miracle of Hanukkah, the medication kept the Jews free of heart-burn for a full eight days!

Further miracles ensued -- for example, enterprising bakers were able to convince Ashkenazim that jelly doughnuts were a unique, highly exotic and hence highly prized Sephardic delicacy. On Hanukkah, our hopes are kindled as we light the menorah and read from the book of Zechariah who told us of a day when the transliteration of Hanukkah would finally be agreed upon.